I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I need to stop coming to work sober
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
