I'm sorry my penis didn't work
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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