can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You were trust falling into bushes
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
