I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
