I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You've changed since you got that strap on
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
