My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
