i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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