Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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