He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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