im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
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