I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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