u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
