We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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