I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
