So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Randomize
