The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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