I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
