sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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