just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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