my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You're like the curious george of whores
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Randomize
