I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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