she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I have feelings that need drinking.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
