Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
