Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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