Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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