all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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