Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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