found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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