Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
