a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
