i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
