dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
