dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
