she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
