Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
