jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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