I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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