I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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