I can't breathe out the right side of my face
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
