DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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