Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
