my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
