it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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