She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
