the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Boobs are out for the taking
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
