i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
