I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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