I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
