so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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