new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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